If you are a parent who has lost a child I hope that the following will be of some help. I can understand a little bit of your pain. Our twenty-three year old son died in April 2004 suddenly. We did not get a chance to say good-bye. He is in heaven. The pain is brutal, isn't it? I wish I could say it is going to get easier in the near future. My family was fortunate to have a visit the week after our son's death, from a Christian couple who lost their firstborn, also a twenty-three year old, twelve years ago. They gave us some marvelous counsel, which I pass on to you with the hope that it might be of help in the future. I only wish I had followed the counsel more diligently.
Watch your health. You may see negative changes, expected changes, experience physical things, which you may never have experienced before. Monitor your diet. Seek medical attention frequently. My wife, Pauline and I each see a doctor every six weeks. I regret I did not do this much earlier.
Secondly, learn to pamper yourself. You will become less focused, more vulnerable, physically weak...learn to pamper yourself. Learn to say "no", lighten your load, learn to accept that you are "just not up to it" as much as you used to be.
Thirdly, learn to accept help. Your may find it is hard. The Lord Jesus said "it is more blessed to give than to receive". The catch 22 is that no one can give until someone has the grace and humility to receive. Sometimes the most unexpected people will step forward and ask to help. I talked just yesterday to a lady who lost her adult son four months ago. Each day a different lady from her church drops in about 10 o'clock, makes her lunch and leaves at 2 o'clock. They simply listen, pray and "are there".
My wife and I are learning to say "yes" more readily to people's offers of help than we ever did before our son died. Learn to take shortcuts. Don't make as many commitments.
You will probably grieve much differently as a couple. One of you might slowly withdraw and the other becomes overloaded with busyness. In our situation, I cry daily; my wife cannot cry. My wife can no longer enjoy large group interactions. She cannot stand chitchat, small talk. I find personal aloneness more enjoyable. I don't think as much about the future as I formerly did. You are definitely going to change permanently. The decision you have to make ever so gradually is, do you want the change to be for the better or the worse. Since our son died, I have met numerous people who have lost children; some as far back as thirty-five years ago. Some are sweet, at peace, wonderful, gracious and tender. Some are empty, bitter and angry. Some of the saints I have gotten to know who have lost children are a continual blessing and others I have met made me recoil. I pray the former for you both.
This may sound as simple as motherhood and apple pie but your only hope is the Lord. Nothing else will help you to survive the way you want to.
Yours in the Lord Jesus,
Norm Beange
Watch your health. You may see negative changes, expected changes, experience physical things, which you may never have experienced before. Monitor your diet. Seek medical attention frequently. My wife, Pauline and I each see a doctor every six weeks. I regret I did not do this much earlier.
Secondly, learn to pamper yourself. You will become less focused, more vulnerable, physically weak...learn to pamper yourself. Learn to say "no", lighten your load, learn to accept that you are "just not up to it" as much as you used to be.
Thirdly, learn to accept help. Your may find it is hard. The Lord Jesus said "it is more blessed to give than to receive". The catch 22 is that no one can give until someone has the grace and humility to receive. Sometimes the most unexpected people will step forward and ask to help. I talked just yesterday to a lady who lost her adult son four months ago. Each day a different lady from her church drops in about 10 o'clock, makes her lunch and leaves at 2 o'clock. They simply listen, pray and "are there".
My wife and I are learning to say "yes" more readily to people's offers of help than we ever did before our son died. Learn to take shortcuts. Don't make as many commitments.
You will probably grieve much differently as a couple. One of you might slowly withdraw and the other becomes overloaded with busyness. In our situation, I cry daily; my wife cannot cry. My wife can no longer enjoy large group interactions. She cannot stand chitchat, small talk. I find personal aloneness more enjoyable. I don't think as much about the future as I formerly did. You are definitely going to change permanently. The decision you have to make ever so gradually is, do you want the change to be for the better or the worse. Since our son died, I have met numerous people who have lost children; some as far back as thirty-five years ago. Some are sweet, at peace, wonderful, gracious and tender. Some are empty, bitter and angry. Some of the saints I have gotten to know who have lost children are a continual blessing and others I have met made me recoil. I pray the former for you both.
This may sound as simple as motherhood and apple pie but your only hope is the Lord. Nothing else will help you to survive the way you want to.
Yours in the Lord Jesus,
Norm Beange